Apart from the slow progress of failing every one of my HSC trial examinations, I've been all right. The trials don't seem to be part of my list of priorities, and it really worries me. It just doesn't feel like I'm having exams right now. It feels like a holiday, only strangely different. I've been doing a dangerous amount of procrastination, which always leaves me extremely tired, unmotivated and depressed.

I haven't had a good conversation with anyone from home in a very long time. I used to call mum every week and tell her about what's been happening at school and all the new things that I want to talk about. But lately she's been so busy and tired, that she doesn't have the time and energy to listen to me. It's as if her parental nature of being caring and patient with me has shut down, for unclear reasons. Whenever I tell her about how I've done in an exam, she'll make it clear to me of what I'm not doing at the moment, which is studying. Whenever I tell her about something that has happened in Sydney, she'll change the topic (most likely to be out of her conscious) and she'll be muttering things to herself. It's like you come home from school wanting to tell everybody you know about what happened in fourth period (for example) - so you call your mum up and all she asks you is whether you've been studying hard or not.

I've been so tired of her complete disregard for me that I've stopped calling her unless absolutely necessary. I understand that she's tired, and that's also part of the reason why I stopped calling. I'm tired too, and experiencing my own share of the stress -- and I guess my stresses and problems of school life and adulthood isn't the best thing to unload onto a very tired mother.

So here I am, sitting here taking a break before I continue studying for tomorrow afternoon's exam, and all I want to do is talk to someone. Mum's coming down for the boarders weekend the weekend after this one, and you know what -- there's a part of me that is happy that she's coming, and there's another part of me that doesn't want her to come. That other part that isn't looking forward to her arrival doesn't want to face someone who I haven't had much contact with over the last couple of weeks. I feel like a terrible daughter to say something like that, but that's how I feel.

I hope my feelings change. They probably will. But imagine: my sister, mum and I in the same household for one weekend. It spells trouble, and I can feel it. It's one reason why I kept wanting to come back to Sydney during the last holidays. I hate it when they fight. No, I hate it when my sister verbally bullies my mother. The sad part is that mum doesn't do a thing about it, and I can't do a thing about it either.

We spent just about the whole afternoon after the English exam colouring. I was meant to be studying, but instead I found a more powerful distraction of fixing up the pony that Jude started colouring in.

I better get going on those Indian history notes! Meeting up with Ew-Jun on Saturday afternoon (hopefully!) for a social around the city. Just walking like last time x) Can't wait to get out of this stress hole!

Cheers.

PS.